This blog post was going to be a special edition of my Tinder swipes but I’m in Tunica, MS, land of nothing, and I ran out of men after 7 swipes. Oops.

I have dated, and dated, and DATED until I just couldn’t look at men anymore. I’m a fan of many flavors, mostly selfish. The last two were the BIGGEST ASSHOLES imaginable. Those stories are for another day. For now, bask in the transparent glory of my lackluster dating life.

I honestly feel like I’ve just been shuffling a deck of cards and stopping at the suit that I thought I needed. After each flaw I dump, I go for the exact opposite. Last guy wanted to propose and buy a house? – let’s bang a frat boy bartender that can’t spell. Bartender didn’t work out? Oooh, what about a boy in law school who thinks 30+ miles of distance is too much to handle? YASSSS, you’re slaying the game because when he succumbs to the crippling distance of two cities that are side by side, you can get googly eyed over a guy that works at your new job! (Spoiler: He weighed 76 pounds and was banging EVERYONE in the tri-county area)

I feel like I’m playing duck, duck, goose. When you play the game, you can easily read when the “goose” is coming. They won’t say duck more than 2 times around the circle. It’s excessive and annoying. It’s easy to predict a small time frame to be prepared to run. Except life doesn’t work like that and the guy you met on Tinder that isn’t digging your distressed black denim and your lack of cooking skills is yet another duck.

Always a duck, never a goose.

I really do believe some girls claim goose too early. And that’s okay. Get your duck, girl. But, it’s not my jam. I’m tired of wasting time on ducks.

If there is one thing I’ve learned (not that I’m a genius, just a well-versed victim)… fuck ducks, man. If he can’t understand your anxiety, your family dynamic or lackthereof, and your chronic need to constantly swab your ears (please tell me I’m not the only one), then HE AIN’T IT.

And I truly believe God is finding entertainment in my dating struggles because I use to draw portraits of boys I liked in Sunday school classes. I’m feeling the wrath of my ADD everyday.

For now, I entertain a date here or there. But, I’d much rather spend 3 hours in target alone, buying organic potato chips and home decor for my rental home.