Where He at, Tho?

How do you just fall head over heels for a man that’s sweet, loving, driven, and hard working? I’d love to. Like, I heard its great. Why don’t I just naturally want to be with these men forever? My Pinterest is over flooding with great DIY shit, and meanwhile, I’m over here having to return messages on Tinder that say, “How much does a polar bear weigh?” Get a new pickup line. I need to know how you feel about gay marriage and craft beer immediately. Start with that.
I have friends that try to explain to me how to date a good guy. He should be this and that…but I just can’t bare to sit through another dinner with a guy where I have to hear about how his family trips to Sonoma or the 5K he runs every Saturday morning.
I think Kevin said it best in Season 1 of Shameless: “Fiona is a hood girl. When she says ‘fuck you’, it means ‘I like you’. You keep asking her to lunches and getaways. It’s embarrassing. All day long, all she does is make decisions. Fucking make them for her.”
I meet nice guys all the time. I even date them sometimes. But after a few dinners, some deep conversations, or dating them for 4 to 6 months, I start to feel really bad for them. They usually have family dinners, baby showers for their siblings, and birthdays for their dads. I don’t have those. I never have. There isn’t an opportunity to invite them to these wonderful little events that I’ve always dreamed of having. And then I feel like they’re being shorted. They should totally be able to experience those things as well. They deserve a woman whose mother taught her how to make spaghetti from scratch. A woman who has lots of great pottery-like dishware to serve it in. A woman who has been beautiful her whole life, laughing and going out with all of her other beautiful friends she met in college. A woman who is super intellectual, who went to a great college and is ready to have an army of children. A woman that has never questioned her beauty and has never questioned that she wants a big home full of children in a beach side city.

And sometimes they realize that first and leave.
And there aren’t enough prayers, classes, mentors, or medicines to make me that woman. And they all deserve that woman. But I ain’t it.
And I guess the ultimate question is, do I want him? Do I even want a man with a checklist he carries around, looking for the cookie cutter wife of his dreams? One that has this ultimatum of a cottage home and 3 kids by 2019, laundry done on Thursday and in bed by 9 at night? No, I really don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want a nice guy.
I guess I don’t have a type of partner I want. I just want mine. The guy who goes with the flow. He’s okay with getting surprised by life along my side. He’s willing to bend and adjust. The idea that growing and doing life together is much more exciting than dragging someone along the way.
But I haven’t given up today. I dream that one day I meet the man that doesn’t mind that I don’t really have a talent for cooking, but I try and ask questions. A man that doesn’t mind that on Sundays I watch Game of Thrones with my friends, and Tuesdays I eat lunch with my friends, and Friday nights I have dinner with my friends because they are my family. A man that appreciates my good spirited attempts at Crossfit. A man that will laugh at the memes I save to my phone and gladly eat off of my Marshall’s purchased plateware. And finally, a man that appreciates that I cry when I watch Teen Mom. But alas, he is not here. At least not here watching Shameless and eating pre-made paleo meals with me (Prep by KUG. Check it out. She’s the only reason I eat anything remotely homemade. Yeah, I just plugged that).
Is he out there? Will he watch Disney movies with me and also hate post 9/11 Toby Keith music? I could only hope. I have a lot of love in my heart to give.

I’ve loved the shit out of the wrong ones with all of my heart so I could only imagine how life would be with the right one.

But, for now, it doesn’t really matter. Because I have the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. They fill the voids that my life has dug so deep. They put loving thought into their actions.  I couldn’t do it without them. I can spread the love in my heart among them all, and I can feel like I’m home. And we can watch Rupaul’s Drag Race and eat queso.

8 thoughts on “Where He at, Tho?

  1. Lucy says:

    I felt the same way about all of those things that I couldn’t offer someone, but it’s ok! It has taken me a long time to figure it out and it still gets to me today, so I can’t say I’ve 100% overcome. You’re a better person for all of the trials and tribulations life has thrown at you and you have quite the talent for writing! I hope you find your happiness, and I love your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Murriah says:

    I just love you for you! I am so proud of you and I miss you. Your blog is amazing and I just giggle as I read it in your voice and visualize you gestures and mannerisms.

    Liked by 1 person

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