Monograms Moms: Look, I hate a monogram just as much as the next hateful single person, but think about it. They’re the last ones getting robbed on your block. Nobody wants to steal their monogrammed China or sectional. Their friends don’t borrow and “forget” to return their scarves and blouses with the stupid mixed up monogram with the last name in the middle and 2x bigger than the other letters. Also, you should really bad for them because they can’t resell all those smocked onsies.

People with Unique Names: You do realize that babies do not pick their names, right? So stop berating little Chair or baby Fork. It is their asshole parent’s fault. I understand that uniqueness is very admired and I admire it as well (Le duh), but for Christ’s sake, take some consideration and think about your kid waiting for his/her Starbucks coffee… made by AloeVerraLynn. I’m just grateful that I atleast have a unisex, typical white kid name for my first name (Taylor) so I can apply for jobs and bank loans without having to worry about the racist white guy scimming over my resume, because I STILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT IN 2017. UGHHHHHHH. 

The Kardashians: We all know they aren’t rocket scientists but they never claimed to be and they sure know how to put their name in your mouth. I love to see when people get pissed that they’re invited to speak on subjects such as business and social media. You know why? Because they literally dominate both. They run business and sell merchandise. To come back from media coverage that is suppose to be damning and rack in millions of dollars is unreal, if you understand how public relations works. You’re just mad no one likes your bum ass selfie you posted at 2:35 p.m. from your filthy bathroom.

Anyone in a gym: I don’t care whether you came out of the womb doing deadlifts, anyone who has the audacity to ridicule someone taking a step towards a healthier life is worse than that triangle space between your car seat and center console that sucks your possessions from your very hands. The teasing is what keeps them from going in the first place. Would you make fun of the sinner or the broken hearted going to mass for the first time? I sure hope not because Jesus sees everything. 

And while, we’re at it- Crossfitters: Wonder why you never see a selfie from a Crossfitter at the gym? It’s because they’re actually engaging in exercise that increases their heart rate and challenges them. I am NOT CUTE after a day of Crossfit because I actually did athletic things. Meanwhile, you’ve already posted 3 selfies in the mirror at some “Meatheads Meet and Greet” gym in the same workout tank you always wear. Anyone working to better themselves deserves praise. If you love going to the gym to do two sets of squats over a span of 2 hours, that’s great. But, don’t even make fun of my Crossfit “class”. You’ll be eating your words when you see how nice my ass is after squat day. 

Anyone with a big truck: Yeah, you may make jokes about how big his wang is, but YOU’RE STILL GOING TO ASK HIM TO HELP YOU MOVE YOUR COUCH. 

Anyone who doesn’t know how to do seemingly simple tasks: I can’t begin to count the times someone has made a snide comment because I didn’t know how to apply makeup or didn’t know I was suppose to dust the crown molding in my home. You just don’t know what kind of life people have had. My mother didn’t teach me any of that. But I can make the shit out of some boxed augratin potatoes. But not because she taught me. Because potatoes.